i'm sitting in the airport, trying to determine if it's in my best interest to get a glass of wine while i wait for my flight, or, if it's more prudent to sit in the front row of seating in relation to the check in agents, so they can scope out how carefully i dressed for this flight, and THEREFORE they should bump me up to first class for the duration of the flight. they probably don't even notice. decision, decisions.
i'm also slightly concerned for the woman beside me, who appears to be taking a nap, while breathing in short, spastic bursts. i fear i will not be able to tell the difference between her sleep breathing, and her having some sort of asthmatic attack. i'll share more as that develops.
needless to say, i'm awaiting a plane to pick me up and brisk me off to LA (by way of SF - and a 45 minute layover), and off to the land of my dear friend mary, her husband reuben, and their little puppy max. a three day weekend of sun, a little bit of warmth, some shopping, and whatever other surprises mary and reuben have up their sleeves (because there's always something).
it's so nice to be near friends on the west coast now - and while its hard to be far from family and the multitude of friends who live on the eastern side of the country, i have to take time to remind myself of the people i DO get to be near... mary being one of them.
with all of that, i hope everyone has a fantastic weekend - for the americans, a weekend filled with family and friends, and food and laughter, and all of the things we can be thankful for all year. for the canadians, i hope it's a weekend filled with whatever else you need it to be.
lately, i've been playing around with different brands, and figuring out where they fit into my normal routine. since said routine often involves not washing my hair, wearing no makeup, and needing constant attention on my lips, i've wrangled up some real beauties recently.
smashbox limitless eyeliner|| liquid eyeliner?? girl you cray! i know. i know that's what you're thinking. i - the girl who can't figure out what kind of mascara to buy when entering a drug store - purchased a liquid liner, on the advice of a drug store person. and i gotta tell you. i'm hooked. smith's rosebud salve || founded in 1895, this company sticks to what it knows. and this salve nails it. i use it for everything - so it's amazing to travel with. i use it for lip balm - of course - but i also use it for a base for my eye liner/shadow, as a brow tamer, and as a subtle sheen for cheeks. the odd time i'll use it for dry skin, and sometimes even to law the smackdown on frizz or static in my hair (fine haired ladies? you out there?). i've written about the strawberry salve before... and this one is sort of a more multi use, and classic version of that one. kevin murphy 'fresh hair' || i was turned onto dry shampoo with the turn of the short hairdo. aka. my justin bieber hair cut of 2012. kevin murphy is a brand i love - they are paraben and sulfate free, and they smell amazing. and THIS little ditty - this dry shampoo - allows me to extend my washing of hairs for an extra day... sometimes two (if we're being honest with one another). which is amazing. because i hate washing my hair. and i have bangs - so all my bang-ed sisters out there feel me. deborah lippman nail polish || i was only recently hooked on deborah lippman, though the connection was a long time coming. DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY SPARKLE NAILPOLISHES SHE MAKES?! a lot. it's sort of her thing. so needless to say, when i was at a salon event recently, and they were offering a discount on these teensy tiny combo packs of DL polish... in a SPARKLY CHANGE PURSE.... i was sold. and it's amazing. biotin and green tea extract, and none of the terribly four. so not only is it not bad for my nails - it's actually helping them grow. swoon. and - of course - i love any nail polish in tiny bottles. they are perfect for travelling, and because i get bored so easily.
oh friday. sweet friday. my favourite day of solitude and productivity. and love. lots of love.
things i'm in love with THIS week.
this article on martial arts teacher sam mcgee, who has offered free martial arts training in harlem for almost 50 years. there are truly some amazing people in this world.
can't wait for this to come out. a) i'm in love with adrien brody. b) wes anderson may be the one genius in the world who i would not have the words to converse with, were i to meet him in the streets.
and, oh hey, what the heck. i said i loved them, didn't i? and i also love GIFs. so. what could i POSSIBLY love more than wes anderson gifs. with AB in them. (and others. because they're so amazing). you can find all of them here.
i'm in love with this recipe this week - i'm struggling with creativity overall, and part of that includes creativity in what i eat. yesterday for dinner i hate half a can of brown beans, mashed potatoes, and a small salad. not exactly rocket science. after doing a ton of groceries, and putting some stuff in my fridge that i love, i'm going to make this. and probably a few other recipes from fat free vegan.
this great version of 'the logical song' by ornette.
thanks friday. for being awesome. have a great weekend.
today, i put aside of my typical routine of 'hit snooze button three times. then, turn on phone and sift through emails, messages, instagrams, facebook things i HAVE to read to be able to function. then read essays from emails i receive monthly (this is important to my brain functioning). then, about an hour later, get out of bed - angry at myself for having wasted all that time in bed, and now i don't have time for the gym, and what are you DOING with your life jamie??'. instead - in an attempt to make time for health, and still accomplish all those things in the morning that i personally deem necessary for survival - i woke up, and did not touch my phone (ok. i hit snooze once. full disclosure). i brushed my teeth, i washed my face. still didn't touch my phone. (remind me that i need to add 'grab a bite to eat' before i go to the gym in the mornings from now on) and headed off in my workout gear to ride the stationary bike - the most boring thing in the world.
you know what makes the most boring thing in the world less boring? doing all the things you typically do in the morning, lying in bed, before you even begin your day. i sat on that bike, set it to some sort of preset bike-workout-thing, and for the first time all day, turned on my phone. i responded to emails, i scrolled through facebook, i read an essay on a crime stopping group in NYC.
and, when i looked up from my phone, i had been on that bike for 30 minutes.
and there you have it friends. i have - in an instant (well. 30 minutes to be exact) - solved two of my biggest gripes to date. laying in bed too long, and therefore never having enough time, AND, hating that the only form of consistent exercise my back can handle (still) at this point is a stationary bike in a gym. put them together..... and voila. a perfect storm.
i'm making a strong effort to make changes to small things in life - because it's the small things that equate to the large. a day filled with small things. and in conversing with a group member - a member of a group that i have become part of as a result of a course i'm taking - we chatted about our misunderstanding of making large changes. of being able to identify large scenarios during which we can stop ourselves and make a shift. and it occurred to us that perhaps it's not the large moments that define those shifts. of course, the time will come when a large, defining moment will approach, at which point we will be able to identify it, and make that move to a new space. instead, maybe we look to those small moments in time - the ones we feel in complete control over - to make large changes. things like putting the phone aside for a bus ride, and opening up a book. things like sitting down to dinner at a dinner table, instead of in front of a tv - to engage in conversation with the person in your life who means something. things like opening your computer to write, instead of making lists of all the things you have to do.... lists don't get things done. doing things gets them done.
today, i'm feeling productive. plus - i have 45 minutes on a stationary bike under my belt.
"A week after the discovery of the doodled flower, I'd resigned myself to its insignificance [...] and as the maples around campus began to hint of resurrection and the maintenance crew began mowing the grass in the dorm circle again, it seemed to me we had finally lost her."
greif is a funny thing.
a friend and colleague of mine spent some time crying in our office recently, with me, heartbroken over her (recently deceased) father's birthday. a holiday weekend that should have been filled with family and love and laughter and all those things that make family holidays wonderful, was covered with a cloud of sadness, as her family reflected on what that day really meant.
"none of us even like turkey, but he did" she said to me, "so we made it. and we ate it anyways."
and then, I cried. I spent 5 minutes after she left the office crying.
and then, i came home. and carmen (my quasi-temporary-roommate) and I watched glee - the episode in honour of cory monteith. and we cried.
and i cried for my friend and how she misses (and will always miss) her dad. and i cried for my most recently lost friend. and i cried for my friends before him who will never be more than 14, 16, 18 and 19 in my mind.
i cried for what sadness meant - the piece of your heart that never fully heals, and the ache in your throat whenever someone asks about them. the ache that doesn't go away, unless you let it out in loud, long sobs. the kind of cry you can only do alone.
after i washed my face, and brushed my teeth, and climbed into bed, i couldn't get rid of faces. faces of the people i love, and the people who have left us here on this earth to be without them. some by choice, and some taken... taken violently and severely.
and on this weekend, i can't help but think that if i'm in this much pain, their families must be inconsolable. and so, while i am full of all the thanks in the world over friends, family, and all that i get to be with those people in my life whom i love, i am also thinking of all my friends families - those who have been left behind. and if i could give any part of my heart to them - to fill the parts of their hearts that i know will be missing forever - i would do it in a second.
"He was such a good guy. I'll never get to tell him. There's no less here. There's no happy ending. There's just nothing. He's just gone." - Sue, Glee
i'm feeling stuck.
creatively, it seems i come home from work - where i'm asked to be creative all day long - and i have exhausted all of that creativity locked up inside of me. it's being used for different things - writing, instagramming, managing communities, dreaming up events and making sure we're nailing our digital strategy as a whole - and yet, i come home, i look at my notebook and my jewelry-making supplies, and i feel a giant brick wall. i can't describe it... the feeling of complete and total blank, where creative thoughts and dreams, and words and images once floated in my subconscious.
it's a feeling of complete and utter distraction and distraught. a feeling that i'll never get that something back. it's lost forever - somewhere in the world of digital and social strategy as a 'day job'.
why can't we have both? why is it that we exhaust our energy in our work for others, and when it comes to pleasing our own hearts, and learning to ooze what makes us happy, we slip up?
this weekend, i sat down with a movie qued up on my computer, and spread out my jewelry supplies - newly acquired vintage chain, some charms and pieces i'm really excited about. some cord that i've been wanting to experiment with, and some of my fall back faves - brass chain in beautiful links. i settled in to create, and... nothing. i picked up pieces of chain, and laid it back down. i looked at it all laid out, and couldn't bring myself to even put two pieces together.
it's heartbreaking - losing a piece of ourselves. losing something that makes us, us.
i'll find it. it's just about learning the balance. and that.... that i haven't yet figured out.
this weekend is a long one. and even though i work weekends (and stat holidays), there's still something about weekends (long weekends at that) that makes me feel like holing up, wearing sweatpants, talking to my parents on the phone, and making lasagna from scratch (including tofu ricotta).
some photo shoots before my weekend begins officially - i love my job; complimentary cocktails at an event at Sutro hair salon - win, in my books!; they managed to wrangle me into their chair. hair, nails, cocktails, and some false lashes; the beautiful city as my friend susan and i walk along the seawall. i love grey days like this; we are both obsessed with chesnuts. so when we found roasted chesnuts on the street, we were like small children; finally back to beading. i'm feeling creatively 'stuck'; flowers sometimes help.
this week i made a commitment to myself. a commitment to my happiness, and to making time for myself. it's been a crazy week (as i always seem to say, don't i?), and i anticipate many MANY more to come. which is great. crazy means busy which to me, often translates into lots of friends, and social events, and things i'm committed to making amazing.
so. some things that i love this week.
well. first off. an easy one. i LOVE that i'm getting to go see one of my best friends in the world, in california, at the end of this month. i'm literally watching the website search for flights, as i write this entry. and that - to me - equates to happiness. this year, she sent me a birthday card with a mini whoopie cushion. how's THAT for someone who 'gets' me??
this amazing video, that shows us that when we remind people of who they are, and what they are worth, there is a moment of recognition for who they are to themselves.
these two awesome kids. who i think we should ALL aspire to be a little more like.
this incredible piece of literature called '9 songs that redeem all boy bands'. art. pure, and uninhibited love through art, these men are sharing. triumphant pieces of human spirit, drawn through pain and anguihs. and sometimes - nay, MOST TIMES - pure poetry. (and rap. some rap.). (and yes, i did ensure all of these songs were promptly on an itunes playlist for future swooning).